STOP PRESS: Annex 1 marries Kyoto Protocol in emotional ceremony

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Speech from the ceremony witnessed by members of the UNFCCC secretariat, delegates, observers and the press:

Dearly Beloved,

We are gathered here in the presence of the UN to witness and bless the exchanging of vows that will bind Annex 1 and the Kyoto Protocol together in the covenant relationship of marriage. When this ceremony has ended, they will leave as wife and wife having been joined together by the UN in Bonn.

Of the three institutions ordained by the UN, marriage is the only one which is legally binding. Since it has its origins in the UN, it is honourable and is to be held in esteem by all mankind.

The institution of marriage is not a casual one and should not be taken lightly.  Since we live in an age where so many people have no respect for it, we need to constantly reassert and reaffirm that UN ordained marriage is for our good and that it should be viewed as holy. So holy is the relationship of marriage that the apostle Secretariat has likened it to the relationship of business and government.

Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol, your love for each other should be an Eternal Triangle – the UN is at the apex and you, Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol, are at the base of the triangle. When both of you are joined together with the UN at the top, then you will never be separated from each other at the bottom.

Your marriage should be the union of two lives – two hearts that beat as one – so welded together that they walk together; they work together; they bear each other’s burdens and share each other’s joys. I want to remind you to be friendly, loving and tenderhearted, and forebearing of one another in love. Remember, the vows you are about to take are as binding in adversity as they are in prosperity and that these vows are to be broken only by death.

I want you both to remember the great responsibilities you have: love and commitment. These are serious, yet magnificent. Our saviour, the UN, has given us the perfect eaxample of them.

Vows and exchanging of rings

The union of Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol in heart, body and mind is intended by the UN for their mutual joy; for the help and comfort given one another in prosperity and adversity; and, when it is the UN’s will, for the procreation of policies and their nurture in the knowledge and love of the UN. Therefore, marriage is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, delibertly and in accordance with the purposes for which it was instituted by the UN.

Into this holy union Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol now come to be joined. If any of you can show just cause why they may not lawfully be married, speak now or else for ever hold your peace.

[Everyone is delighted to continue]

I require and charge you both, here in the presence of the UN, that if either of you know any reason why you may not be united in marriage lawfully, and in accordance with the UN’s word, you do now confess it.

[silence]

Annex 1, will you have this Kyoto Protocol to be you partner; to live together in the covenant of marriage?

Yes, I will”

Will you love Kyoto Protocol, comfort Kyoto Protocol, honour and keep Kyoto Protocol, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to Kyoto Protocol as long as you both shall live?

Yes, I will” [round of applause and happy cheers]

Kyoto Protocol, will you have this Annex 1 to be you partner; to live together in the covenant of marriage?

Yes, I will”

Will you love Annex 1, comfort Annex 1, honour and keep Annex 1, in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all others, be faithful to Annex 1 as long as you both shall live?

Yes, I will” [round of applause and happy cheers]

The wedding ring signifies to all the uniting of Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol in holy matrimony and symbolises the never ending nature of their love.

May I have the rings please?

Annex 1, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you.

Kyoto Protocol, I give you this ring as a symbol of my vow, and with all that I am, and all that I have, I honour you.

[round of applause and happy cheers]

Now that Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol have given themselves to each other by solemn vows, with the joining of hands and with the giving and receiving of a ring in the presence of this company, by the authority of the secretariat, and that of the all-mighty UN, I pronounce that they are partners for life. Those that the UN has joined together, let no one put asunder.

[to Annex 1]

You may kiss the bride.

[round of applause, happy cheers and some crude whistles probably from the business sector]

Ladies and gentlemen, I am very happy to present Mrs and Mrs Annex 1 Kyoto Protocol.

[Huge applause and happy cheers, cries, stomping of feet, hanky waving, screams of “good luck”, “well done” and “congratulations”. Someone rudely shouted “finally”. Probably a young green.]

[P.S. Annex 1 and Kyoto Protocol were last seen locking themselves in the gentlemen’s toilets. We are praying for the procreation of beautiful policies in the very near future]


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